**What I have below are our notes and thoughts taken away from this time together.

Outlined Points:

God’s Intention: Creation, (Genesis 1:26–28)(Genesis 2:24–25)(Genesis 2:24)

Sexuality is created by God and is good. In community we reflect God’s image and accomplish His purpose in the world. The divine purpose for sexual union is to reproduce children who represent God and extend God’s rule to the ends of the earth (Genesis 1:26–28). Sex and sexuality are gifts from the Creator to be embraced husband and wife with gratitude and worship.

Our Distortion: The Fall

Any rebellion against God’s perfect design is sin. It separates us from God and distorts intimacy. (Genesis 2:25; 3:7)(Genesis 3:16)(Romans 1:24–27)(1 Corinthians 6:16; cf. Genesis 2:24)

Because of the Fall, our struggles with sexuality cannot simply be reduced to environmental background, but our choices remain significant.

Our Redemption: Jesus

God loves us in our brokenness with a love so boundless that He sent Jesus to redeem what sin had distorted. You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God (1 Corinthians 6:11)God floods our sexually broken world with grace and mercy to wash our sinful natures clean and makes us new creations in Jesus Christ (Titus 3:5; 2 Corinthians 5:17). God is restoring His creation, including His purposes for sexuality, through Jesus Christ, the firstborn of all creation (Colossians 1:15–20).

Our Hope: Fulfillment

While Jesus’ death on the cross freed us from the penalty and power of sin, only His Second Coming will free us completely from the presence of sin. While Jesus inaugurates the restoration of all creation, its full restoration is not yet realized. However, because of Christ’s provision, it is our privilege to choose to “walk by the Spirit” and by so doing “not gratify the desires of the sinful nature” (Galatians 5:16). We can experience the promised blessing that God desires with all joy and peace as [we] trust in him, so that [we] may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13). Therefore, we are freed from condemnation (Romans 8:1) and can overcome the power of sin (Romans 5:17) and Satan (Revelation 12:11) by the power of the cross of Jesus Christ!

When we see Jesus face to face (1 John 3:2; 1 Corinthians 13:12), we will enjoy a true intimacy without shame. The battle for purity will be won (Revelation 19:8), and we will be presented blameless in His presence with great joy (Jude 24).

Notes from Panel Discussion:

**I tried to cite which pastor was speaking as close as possible. However there is definite crossover.

Pastor Asa: Both our cultural and personal stories often demonstrate sexual pain, confusion and brokenness. We need to reclaim the truth of Gods Word as the people of God. Our aim should not be to win an argument about sexual morality, but to capture the lost territory of human hearts teaching them about grace. God does pardon and forgive. We are all sinners for life but it’s not over-Our God is the redeemer…in His grace he can reach into that mess and straighten it all out. Because of His grace we are not ruined for the rest of their lives. God, in his compensatory grace can make things work in his divine plan.

Pastor John: The gospel promises eternal life. It doesn’t promise earthly utopia or tranquility. Obedience often means resisting our earthly desires and longings. Unlike secularism, Christianity does not teach us that all desires are equal and worthy of acceptance.

Every Christian needs to be grounded in understanding God’s design for sexuality. The world challenges us to rethink both the cultural and traditional religious narratives of sexuality, encourages seeking the pleasure above the purpose.

Pastor David: The modern clash in sexual ethics is not surprising, because secularism and Christianity are based on competing conceptions of reality.

-Secularism teaches that a person’s gender can be disassociated from his or her biology.

-Christianity rejects this dualism. Christians believe that masculinity and femininity are not just psychologically or socially constructed realities they are immutably tied to our biology and chromosomal design. Sex is sacred territory—(it belongs to a husband and wife) when we break out of that mold, sexual anarchy (non recognition of authority) ensues.

However, God created everything with a particular order in mind-so where ever there is a breakdown of God’s holy Word and order, there is corruption. When we redefine what love is, or what marriage is…we get very close to the destruction of society.

We need to separate people in our minds…a person vs LGBTQ, or the sexual revolution. When we treat anyone like a person…not an agenda, not a project, we can have proximity. Where there is proximity, there can be relationship. With relationship comes the ability to share where truth comes from. Our kids need to know. Your kids need to know. Our truth comes from God, through His Word. It will never happen if our goal is to “debate them into the kingdom”.

What we often overlook is that our turn toward sin causes us to rebel not only against God, but against our own createdness. When we abandon sound ethics, we not only harm our relationship with God; we also harm ourselves. Sin harms us spiritually, in that it deadens us to heavenly obligation. It is also physically and mentally destructive. A person who acts on every sensual desire or psychological perception is not a free person. Instead, he becomes enslaved to disordered impulses.

Conversely, sexuality is rooted in the broader context of God’s heart and His work for us on earth. We need to understand the big picture of sexual challenges and wholeness and recognize that every sexual question is ultimately a spiritual one. It then shifts the paradigm from combating sexual problems to confidently proclaiming and modeling the road to sacred sexuality.

Pastor Brian: God didn’t create man because he was lonely but out of his abundant love for us…

Pastor Jim: In our homes we must be intentional and not reactive.  Be pre-emotive, don’t wait for it to show up…get in front of it. Your kids are sexual beings and you are going to have trouble. There is no fail safe method but we must try to navigate these waters.

How?

-Be an example

-Be intentional

-CHOICES MATTER-BE DILIGENT

-Build their conscience at an early age-teach them a sense of right and wrong

-Be reasonable/reason with them…when appropriate

-Don’t just tell them, “this is right or wrong”, but why is it right or wrong?

-Help your children understand the concept, If God said no, then that may have to be good enough for you and me.

-get them in the word…not just moralistic…by being in the word yourself!

-flee fornication-WHY? Tell them the consequences!

Teach them about grace-they are going to mess up. Sometimes our kids will go through hard stuff to become who they are supposed to be. It is a fundamental command of Christianity to love others unconditionally. We are called to love even those who insult and hate us. If God gives us the grace to do this, surely we can love our children, even if they challenge our values. Think of the story of the Prodigal Son and his boundlessly gracious father. If we are truly to live as Christians, we can only cast ourselves on the Father’s loving forgiveness and extend the same grace to others. Only God gets to judge, pardon and forgive.

Christ calls all of us to a life of holy obedience. And He calls us to love others as He loves them. This means we must not only live by a sexual ethic—we must also love others, regardless of whether they live by that ethic or not. We can and we must affirm the dignity of each and every person, giving them the love they deserve as a child of God. What we cannot do is affirm individuals in what the Bible tells us is sin.

Pastor Brian’s dad would ask him to explain tough moral questions to him…why? Made him think about it, and come back to it…

Can we believe that His Word is consistent and true? YES!

We must constantly be reminded of our commitment to sexual integrity, always remembering in both the grace and truth of Jesus.

Similarly, we ought to approach others with that same spirit of grace and truth.

Over the past 50 years – from the Silent Generation’s (b.1928 to 1945) young adulthood to that of Millennials (b.1981-1996) today – the United States has undergone enormous cultural and societal transmogrification.

Currently, it seems Millennials get a bad rap about everything. Every generation always bemoans the current one, but Millennials seem to have gotten some extra moaning. We’re big fans of the millennial generation. Millennials not only make up the largest part of the U.S. population, they desire to change the world they inherited. We, The Church, needs this generation, and we need to be willing to see their perspective and learn from them as much as they are willing to learn from us. Both good and bad! Now that the youngest Millennials are adults, even though they have proven to be better educated than their grandparents, according to Pew Research, very few have witnessed first hand what a healthy marriage looks like. Which could be why they’re cautious in forming their own households and seem to be delaying or foregoing marriage. They are walking away from the church and simply want “community”. Millennials don’t want their homes to look anything like the ones they grew up in.

Unlike the previous generations, what we see is that Millennials long for experiences instead of stuff. The top eight priorities for millennials:

1. Being a good parent
2. Having a successful marriage
3. Helping others in need
4. Owning a home
5. Living a very religious life
6. Having a high-paying career
7. Having lots of free time
8. Being famous

Millennials desire authentic and transparent relationships.

We have greater opportunity than ever before to change the trajectory of these marriages in our churches, but we must invite them in, and let them know that we hear their frustration and we’re willing to work out with them how to improve their marriages, and in turn change the legacy that they will leave. This isn’t going to happen by telling them what to do and how to do it.

Something we do at ReEngage at Lake Bible Church is pair couples with mentor couples to “do life with”. When we spend time together getting to know them and living life out with them, they will not only see couples modeling healthy relationships and showing them what a godly marriage can look like, they will also see where they have struggled and come out on the other side. We firmly believe that life-change happens most effectively in the context of these small groups with other married couples whose age or stage of life does not matter.

We never want to be unnecessarily strategic about creating experiences for married couples, but we do desire to create a solid bridge for millennials or any generation, to walk back into the church, or maybe walk in for the first time. A huge invitation through “the back door” of the church is to invite them in to work on their marriage!

So, what does this mean for the church?

It’s great news for church leaders. When we invite couples into the church to help them build their marriages stronger, we have an opportunity to truly live out what a healthy, strong marriage looks like when it is built upon a firm foundation in Christ. While we can’t erase the past, nor do we want to, we can impact their futures! We let them know our stories, the successes and the failures.

When we share with transparency and vulnerability about our missteps and let other’s see how Jesus has redeemed our messes and that He is the hero of our stories, it encourages other’s to believe that they too are worthy of His love and forgiveness. We live out our relationship with Jesus and remind all couples that even with Christ we are not immune to the temptation of sin, but we have the power and strength to overcome it.

Creating a connection for married couples, when we share life together in this way, helps couples recognize that even though they may think whatever they are going through is unique to them…it isn’t. Discovering that they’re not alone struggling through marriage gives these couples hope. Knowing that there is someone else who has walked where they have walked and change is possible. It’s important that we remind each other that we were made in God’s image, and this free’s us to know that it’s not a prerequisite to make the same mistakes or sins of our parents. We are no longer destined to follow in the footsteps of a philandering father or an abusive mother. We are free in Him.

Living out strong, faith based, vibrant marriages, centered on the truth of God’s Word, connects people to the local church, and more importantly draws them to Jesus.

Bottom line: when a church leverages millennials’ love of experiences and invites them to partner with other couples that desire to change their marriage in the church…powerful things can happen.

We’re not just talking about increasing millennials’ marital satisfaction. We’re saying YOU as church leaders will be leveraging marriage to draw people to church, and ultimately Jesus—something no statistics or Pew Research can ever describe.

We are living for an eternal kingdom. And when we turn to him, He makes all things new.

So, whether your a millennial, or you’re the Silent Generation, we’d love to get to know you and grow together in our relationships with each other and with Jesus!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Check out our ReEngage page here on our website for more info about the next session.

Do you ever think about the cost of being a parent?

How much it costs to house our children, and for all of the clothes on their backs.

The cost of their schooling, and each and every meal?

Waking up early, Saturday after Saturday to mow the lawn, so you could rush off to another game or recital?

Did you ever wish you could just sleep in?

What about those sleepless nights when they were sick, or when they were new borns awake every few hours to to be held and fed.

And those teenager years, OOHHHH the teenage years?

If you were asked to do it all again, would you question why?

Maybe even think,’How could I, the cost is too great!’

Perhaps you didn’t grow up with a father. And craved the love of one. Perfect or imperfect, it wouldn’t matter.

We have a Father that designed, created and loved us…perfectly!

A Father that loved us and watched our every game and held us in our sleepless nights.

Stuart Townsend wrote the song, “How Deep The Father’s Love For Us” while pondering the question: What it cost our heavenly Father to give up His Son for his own sin.

The cost was so great, yet God didn’t question.

How deep the Father’s love for us.

It was His plan.

As we celebrate our earthly fathers next week, let’s pray that everything we do points to The Father’s love of His Son. Remembering with a grateful heart, the cost of being a Father.

How deep The Father’s Love For Us.
How deep the Father’s love for us, How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son,To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One, Bring many sons to glory
Behold the man upon a cross, My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice,Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there, Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life, I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything, No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom

Stuart Townend

We are and should be so grateful to these brave men and women.But here’s where I always get stuck…What should I say, if anything, to the families left behind, here on earth?I don’t want to bring up the memory, or remind them of their death and make the families feel sad.
Again.

I have always struggled with death.

I remember years ago, my mother-in-law saying she just wished Jesus would return sooner rather than later, and then declared, “It will be a GREAT day!”

The great day she was referring to: The day Jesus returns to earth and takes us all up with Him, to spend eternity at His feet, forever.

If I’m totally transparent, the idea scared me almost to death.

I’ve read about heaven in the passages of His Word, in books written by pastors and authors who have studied “things of heaven” far more than I.

While I really love the idea of spending eternity in the presence of Jesus…I wasn’t ready for eternity to start, yet.

Even when life here doesn’t make sense, I know earth.

I understand life on earth.
-I know exactly where on earth my kids and my grand baby live.
-I know the way to the store and I know how to order anything I want on-line, and have it delivered the same day.
-I know what size shoe I wear from each store that carries shoes.-I know how to navigate this place I call home.
-I have wonderful memories of the house we raised our children in.

Even the mini-van that I drove thousands of miles in, to so many of our children’s games, and events.

Of laughing our pants off when the horn got stuck on! Blaring like a siren the entire drive to the gas station to get it fixed. Or, in that same mini-van trying to get up a snow and ice covered hill, and sliding down…backwards!

I love knowing that my children rarely got away with anything mischievous or naughty.

We live in a tight community.

When our kids were in about 3rd grade through probably high-school, and they were doing something or going somewhere they weren’t supposed, if I didn’t catch them, someone from our community would, and I’d hear about it.

When I think over my 5 decades of life, I have way more wonderful memories than bad or sad ones.

Yet I have so many questions about what’s to come. Like: when we’re not on “familiar” earth any longer, and we’re in heaven, at the feet of Jesus, will we know where to get shoes?

Will we need or want shoes?
Will the horns on our cars get stuck?
Will we have cars?Will there be ice and snow on hills?
Will my children make snow angels, in the snow, if there is?
Will my husband come home from work everyday and kiss me hello?

These are just a few of the things I do know here on earth.

Good. Bad. Silly or indifferent, they are memorable.

I’m certain the families that have lost loved ones, hang onto and treasure the memories they have of their precious fathers, mothers, sons and daughters.

I imagine some days, the ache they feel, unable to spend the rest of their days, here on earth, in each other’s presence, can be all consuming.

I believe that is how it is for our LORD.

He has memories of EVERY single thing we’ve ever done.
He celebrates and remembers the prayers of husbands that love their wives well.
He applauds with a joyful heart, each time one of our children makes the decision to follow Him, because they watched how we lived out our love of His church.
He writes each name in A Book.
He remembers.

His heart aches when the decisions we make here on earth are difficult, trying or painful.
And yet…He doesn’t avoid the difficult. He always knows what to say and when to say it.
Jesus doesn’t mourn the temporary loss of one of His sheep.

He just gets ready for their return.

He never allows us to go through anything alone.
Never!
Jesus remembers.

I believe it’s His desire that we remember.
Not get stuck in the past.
But remember the past.

If we don’t remember that you can’t go up ice covered, small hills, how will we know to avoid the big ones?

When we remember the times that we were dying of embarrassment, but laughing our pants off, at malfunctioning horns,
we are reminded of the help we received along the way.

Jesus didn’t shy away from the uncomfortable.

In fact, He dove right into the uncomfortable. Like a blaring, stuck horn on an old mini-van.

Announcing, “I am here.” and “With you always”.

So next time I’m uncomfortable…I’m going to remember.

I’ll remember that with every difficult memory, there floods in the memorial of who Christ is in my life.
Who Christ is in each of the men and women’s lives who loved Him.

He is here with me. He is there with you.

He is making our future home comfortable and familiar.
I bet He’ll remember to make a space for all of the shoes, that we may or may not need.

So why do we have trouble getting our spouse to understand what we are saying?

People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude!

Mike and I were over in The Czech Republic, way out in the boonies. We needed to get gas.
The 1st time we pulled off to use the FUEL Station, we did it just like we would here in Oregon. Pulled in to whichever way was most convenient for our car and to whatever lane was open.

In The Czech Republic, as in most of Central Europe, the gas stations are not way off the beaten path and in the towns. They are literally right on the main highway! It made so much sense to keep them on these main high speed thoroughfares and was the slickest thing we had ever seen.

Suddenly a woman was frantically waving her arms at us beckoning our attention. Mike was inside paying. I was trying my best to have a conversation with this kind, all be it, frantic woman.

She didn’t speak one word of English. I didn’t know one word of her language. I could hear her loud and clear…but I had no idea WHAT she was trying to say.

She seemed very distressed, and it was clear to me that whatever it was she wanted me to understand, was of the utmost urgency.

We had dangerously pulled into the FUEL Station the wrong direction. Cars flew into this station going 70 or 80 miles an hour. If we headed in to the kiosk to pay from the wrong lane or that same direction, it would be like getting onto a freeway via an “off” ramp, instead of an on ramp. Or simply skipping across the freeway on foot, during rush hour traffic, at night, wearing black. The other drivers just would not see us and our lives were in peril.

I hadn’t understood ONE WORD that this heroic woman was trying to tell me. BUT, I could tell in her facial expressions, and her tone that something urgent was happening. I had just had a very detailed, life saving conversation, with a woman in a language spoken by over 10 million people, and I didn’t understand one Western Slavic-Bohemian or Czech syllable!

Sometimes the most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said!

Even though we speak the same language as our spouse, sometimes it can feel like a foreign language! This week, together, we will be encouraging each other to decipher the code! As believers we need to constantly examine our communication.We need to consider the tone in every form of communication, like email and texting.We can’t be tricked by the anonymity of a computer screen and speak harsh or ungodly words toward others.Consider your body language and facial expressions toward others! Simply withholding words is meaningless when everything else our body is communicating is disgust, disdain, anger, or hatred toward another. Don’t those sound like horrible words? What’s YOUR face saying? When we’re talking, ESPECIALLY to our spouse, stop and ask yourself these questions: it is true (Exodus 20:16)? Is it kind (Titus 3:2)? Is it necessary (Proverbs 11:22)?

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1Peter 5:8)

Somewhere in the middle of our minds, we decided to either re-do what we learned or rebel against it.

Our children went to bed so early that during Day-light savings, they could potentially be in bed for hours while the sun was still high up in the sky. There were many evenings our kids wouldn’t see their daddy or we didn’t have dinner together because Mike wasn’t home from the hospital yet.

I can’t count the number of times we would find our girls lying wide awake in their beds, peeking out their windows, watching the other kids play outside in their yards.

BUT bedtime was bedtime.

The home I grew up in didn’t have much structure, but in Mike’s family home, timelines were rigid.

When it came time for us to establish our routines, we adopted the rigid version because it was decided that “discipline” needed structure and structure needed to be rigid. Anything else was too soft or “willy-nilly”.

We had guests from out of town staying with us one weekend in the Fall. We had 2 of our 3 children at that time. Erica was in kindergarten and Emily was just a few months old. This was over 25 years ago, but every detail down to the colors of the trees and which streets we drove, are still seared in my mind as if it happened this morning.

Driving past the hospital, that Mike spent most of his time in during his Internship year, my sweet innocent kindergartener, spotted the hospital out the windows of the car, and blurted out “That’s where my daddy lives!”

I was D E V A S T A T E D!

How could she say that in front of this family that was visiting? Isn’t there a saying that everything you know, you learned in kindergarten?? What would they think of ME? Certainly they had decided that I had not made a home that “daddy” wanted to live in. My own sweet daughter assumed this, by her declaration of, “daddy’s home was the hospital.”

I began to think over the last several months of her little life. When she woke up to get ready for school, her daddy was at that hospital. When she came home from school, we played in the yard or at the park, and read, watched Sesame Street then sat down to our 5:00 dinner.

6:30 bath, a few more books, then 7:30 bedtime…SHARP! Whether or not daddy was home.
I had implemented the rules so well, our 6 year old didn’t know where her daddy’s home was.

In the second book of the Bible we learn of something called “generational sin”.

Exodus 20:5 “You shall not bow down to [idols] or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me.”

Exodus 34:7 says that God “visits the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and fourth generation.”

What had we done? We had a fractured family. We were following the patterns of the family as we knew them. Why didn’t we recognize that repeating these rigid rules, couldn’t work for our family like they had for my husband’s family, whose daddy arrived home every day at 4:30? Instead we were making a mess.

The Old Testament prophet Jeremiah, writing about 600 years before the birth of Christ, declared in no uncertain terms that God does not “hold you responsible for something that someone else did.”

You are answerable for your own actions:

“In those days they shall say no more: ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.’ But every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man who eats the sour grapes, his teeth shall be set on edge” Jeremiah 31:29,30

We needed to establish different patterns than those we learned in our families. Was it really more important to have dinner at 5 and bedtime at 7:30 then to spend time with their daddy that they loved? What judge and jury decided dinner past 5 guaranteed raising juvenile deliquents?

We needed to spend time with their father…not worry about the judgement of the world.

As believers in Jesus Christ and The New Testament, we know that there is only one criterion God uses to judge the world and determine who is saved and who is not saved: faith in Him.

“He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life” (I John 5:12).

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God” (John 3:17, 18).

God’s word doesn’t say anywhere, “It’s hopeless…you’ve come from way too much of a mess for anything I can do. So Sorry, God”

His Word says the exact opposite… We are a mess and our families are a mess BUT there IS HOPE! He is our hope! That hope says we can climb out from under the “generational curse” by being grafted into a whole new family tree. (Romans 11:11-24)

Our messy family trees, like the Fall leaves scattered all over the streets, stretch back farther than our parents or even grandparents. They’re actually the work of the world’s First Parents. We were condemned with Adam.

But that’s not the end of the story.

Although our behaviors and our height, weight, hair and skin color, tend to run in families. Even our attitudes towards bedtimes, and inclination towards certain sin can be handed down from generation to generation and become ingrained in the “legacy” of certain families.

None of this should be viewed in terms of an irreversible “curse.”

Ezekiel 18:30 assures us God doesn’t punish children for their parents’ sins.

God says, “I will judge you, each one according to his ways”.

We are each responsible for our own choices.

In the end, the only choice that really counts is the one you make in response to this question:

“What then shall I do with Jesus who is called Christ?” (Matthew 27:22).

The good news is we don’t have to follow the patterns of our families.

If you believe in Jesus, you are in Christ through faith.

We won’t dwell forever in the presence of our Heavenly Father, because we were smart enough to “beat the odds” and not live like our families! Not even because we went to better schools, or because of our own wisdom and virtue. It will be because:

We accepted God’s merciful offer of undeserved deliverance and SALVATION.

Each of us, individually needs to decide.

It’s not on our parents, grandparents, crazy aunts, funky uncles, or even our loving spouse, children, or grandchildren! I’ll say it again and again, spiritual deliverance is available to everyone who sincerely calls upon the name of the Lord.

“Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13

You alone are capable of making the call.

Who has determined when you go to bed?

Tried cleaning out the inside and really scrubbing and waxing the outside to no avail!

We used FEBREZE, and one of those pine scented cardboard trees hanging from the mirror.

The smell still made us all gag when we got in our son’s truck.

As a last ditch effort before resorting to gas masks, we decided to have him go through his schedule and think of who and WHAT had been in his truck lately.

One day at a time,
Paul went through everything he had done over the last 2 weeks.
Chipotle for lunch…10 days ago!
Our son and some of his teammates had gone to lunch and raced back to school to get to practice on time…one of his friends left a half eaten burrito, neatly wadded up in the foil, in the door pocket of the passenger side of our son’s truck, to return and eat after practice.
We all forget things sometimes…but the lingering affect of our forgetfulness can sometimes stink!

Humility is not thinking less of yourself…It’s thinking of yourself, less. -C.S. Lewis

Last week during our marriage group called ReEngage, in LESSON 3, our action item was to look for the opportunity to extend grace to our spouses. It didn’t tell us to point out how grace-filled we are, just to show our spouses grace. How’d you all do?

This week we were to ask our spouse ways we could show them HUMILITY and serve them!

I know what I want and when I want it…
But do I know what my spouse desires?

Am I listening, and really paying attention to things that would let him know I’m interested and care?

THIS is where “being forgetful” might come in handy. Don’t stack up all of the times your spouse has NOT done this…or all of the times you have not felt heard! Do NOT wait until they go…

Go first! Be the initiator. In Chemistry the initiator starts a chain reaction. It can be explosive and used as a “detonator” to start a bigger explosion.

Try putting them first and have a little “self-forgetfulness”.
This is quite possibly the most valuable word in marriage. At the same time, it is definitely one of the hardest to implement.

When a marriage consists of a husband and wife whose ultimate goal is to please their spouse, IN SPITE of what they themselves desire…God shows up. Because ultimately the only way we can do this is when we desire to please God, and ask for His help!
THIS sets off that “explosive” chain reaction to growing stronger marriages and families.

Self-forgetfulness!

Christ was the only one who had every right to be arrogant and prideful.
BUT He chose to humble Himself.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross! (Phil. 2:5-8, NIV)

Don’t let this verse just pass through your eyes and not let it affect your heart!
Jesus Christ set the perfect example for us to follow – in life and in marriage.
Becoming more like Christ in your marriage will not happen over night. It will not happen on your own either! It will take persistence, prayer and perseverance. It will take a huge serving of flexibility. Following this example and showing love like this to our spouses will reveal to them a glimpse of Jesus and conveys that we are more concerned with their needs & desires than we are our own. Serve them lovingly without any expectations or attitude and be generous with humble forgiveness.

Go first…be self-forgetful, and let them see Jesus in you!

Sharing life with so many couples, a common theme we see is how people or things interrupt the sweet flow of a blessed marriage. These “things” are intrusions that take the lead and wreak havoc on homes. They become interlopers in the relationship!

What do you do when you have an interloper in your marriage?
Maybe you don’t recognize it, but it’s there.

We’ve all had them. If allowed to do so, “she” will intrude on every part of your lives!

How do I know this? We’ve got an interloper living with us!

She’s included in almost every single one of our conversations…our kids know about her… my close friends know about her.

She controls what we eat, how we eat and often, where we eat!

She throws these screaming fits in public places like the mall and in really quiet places like in weddings or funerals.

She wines and screams at me sometimes dozens of times a day! She’s even sleeping with us!

I am always very aware of her presence and if I try just for a few moments to pretend she doesn’t exist she plots my demise!

We MUST pay attention to her! She’s sometimes seriously exhausting!

A good friend asked recently if our interloper makes me mad? And how am I dealing with her?

Honestly, the real truth is…

I can’t be mad when God chooses to allow something into my life that changes my life…

I don’t have TIME to be mad. I’m too busy dealing with the fall-out or consequences of the interloper and so I just daily plan to hand her over to Christ.

Is this my natural, instinctive response? Absolutely not.

In many ways MY interloper has helped me rely more on Christ!

How can that be? Why would a God that loves me, loves my marriage even MORE than me, allow this intrusion into our home? Why would He allow this home wrecker into MY world?

Maybe it’s to point me back to Him! Maybe it’s to remind me that I am NOT The one in control! Only He can control all things!

My interloper isn’t to divide my family or kill my marriage.. maybe… just maybe, if I look at all of the ways He has protected me from other interlopers BECAUSE of this one, I will understand Jesus more!

Interlopers in our marriages can take on many different forms. It can be another person that gets much of our attention. It can be our jobs or kids. Sometimes interlopers are just the straight up busyness of life. Or it could be like ours. A lifelong diagnosis of something that you won’t ever be able to fully control, but will learn to manage.

No interloper ever just turned and ran away because we ignored her.

Whatever the interloper in your home is…she needs to be dealt with.

The people around us…those in our circles of influence, our children, our friends and loved ones, NEED to see us rely on Christ to handle life’s interruptions.

When WE see an interloper in someones marriage…stepping up and committing to yourself and God to intercede on behalf of them in prayer is the BEST thing you an do. Prayer is not a small thing or just an excuse…unless you are seeing it as that.

Our loved ones need to know that when an interloper invades their life, that they can be confident in the knowledge that…

His plans are better than ours, even when they don’t make that much sense to us!

While we may not like these interlopers…in fact sometimes we may hate them…when we hand them over to Him, He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit.

1Thessalonians 5:16-19

We often don’t speak the same love language as our spouse…so I LOVE the idea of “Love Languages” By Author Gary Chapman.

Sometimes we can feel like our spouses are not doing a great job expressing their love for us in the way we recognize it, and this can leave us feeling neglected, disappointed or even angry.

Mowing the lawn and washing your wife’s car is not going to feel like anything special to the wife whose love language is gifts or words of affirmation for instance but coming from a man whose primary language is acts of service this is absolutely his way of screaming, “I LOVE YOU!!” So, to help each other recognize you are in need of something in your language…here’s an idea that could be fun!

Give each other a pad of brightly colored sticky notes. Make his blue and yours pink. Then commit to each other that you will simply put one out in a designated spot when either of you is in need of having your emotional needs met! It’s just a gentle reminder that you need your spouse to show you their love and commitment to you in YOUR love language!

For instance, my primary love language is words of affirmation, followed by gifts. If I just need to hear that I’m not a failure and I REALLY need to hear it from the man that I know loves me more than anyone else…I can slip one of my slips of paper on his dresser and hopefully in the next day or so Mike would respond by telling me something I did well, or that I am smart or beautiful…or SOMETHING!

Affirmation. Silly…maybe…helpful? YES!

How does your spouse normally try to love you? The way they love you is probably how they want to be loved…so pay attention in this area..

More than anything, I believe that it IS our hearts desire to nurture the intimacy we feel towards our spouses and by learning each other’s love language it can only help improve our ability to communicate and express that love that we have and to continue to grow together!

I bet you won’t have to put out too many notes…but knowing that you have a back-up code to express your love and commitment to each other could prove really helpful!

Even if you don’t have something special to celebrate this month…celebrate each other! It’s important to remind your spouse how much you treasure him/her…We ALL want to know we are adored!

Too much cologne or too many ties? Here are a few other fun ideas to say, “I Love you!”
Plan a surprise lunch at work
Bake their favorite cookies (don’t worry calories don’t count on Valentine’s day)
Take their car to be washed & detailed
Make dinner together for the 2 of you after the kids are in bed
Write the story of your relationship from your perspective in a journal
Work on changing a habit that your spouse has asked you to change
Call your spouse’s favorite radio stations and request a song you know they’d like when they’ll be in the car.
Read 5 Love Languages By Gary Chapman together

She wasn’t making an urgent request, altho it was an impassioned plea for help…she wasn’t short of breath or grasping her chest as though it was something wrong with her heart.

The pastor hesitated for only a moment when he announced, “We’d all be happy to help!”  and he sprung US all into action.

He looked at the doctor and their two wives and declared, “Let’s pray over her.”

“Right here in the middle of the restaurant?” was all I kept thinking…

When God has a job for us, He doesn’t usually give us all of the equipment we’re used to having at OUR disposal.

But He does supply and EQUIP us with everything that we need.
Why not pray right there in the middle of the restaurant?

God had equipped each one of us to help the hurting woman. It really didn’t matter that one of our group was a doctor or a pastor…each one of us had everything we needed to help this women.
We can’t easily do every task set before us, with out having the right tools.

But we CAN easily pray for a stranger or a friend. On or off vacation. With or without the supplies we are used to.

When we are ready and willing to pray for one another, anywhere, anytime…It demonstrates the Jesus we know as the hero of our story.

Praying to God, is proof to everyone around you that you know God is on your side…AND we have all of the equipment that we need for any situation

Don’t let the busyness of your summer schedule keep you from spending time with The Lord. Remember we’re running a race. Let it be a joy to know, when we’re running with Jesus, we’ve already won!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. 1Thessalonians 5:16-19